as tall as cliffs

I'm having a child. A human being. I'm going to be responsible for it. I'm going to fall in love with it.

The internal struggle isn't a struggle anymore. There is still resistance, but the decision has been made. Despite my lack of belief in a Deity, whatever definition of the word fate I do or don't believe in probably played some sort of role. Sure, that's fake spiritualism. It's the warm and fuzzy shit that people need to believe in. This shit that annoys me. But, maybe it's what I need too.

Year after year, I still don't know.

But, a child!

Crystal wants a girl. The idea of a girl excites me. It's different. I think it would be more of a challenge, which I like. I've dealt with boys my entire life. Too much boy/guy/man shit. Teasing, taunting, embarrassing.

Truth be told, I think I'd be a better parent to a daughter. Because, it doesn't fit in my comfort zone. It doesn't fit in that zone where I get lazy and resume old bad habits. It would be something I'd have to learn. I'm of the assumption that I know how to raise a boy. I'm of the assumption I know how a boy is supposed to grow, and how that boy is supposed to turn into a man. But, I never realized that about myself. But, I have that assumption. And, when I'm numbing out the world, I turn to my assumptions. Assumptions, the hereditary gift.

With a girl, I'm forced to learn. Forced to be new. Be someone better. The idea of a boy scares me. Because, I want to be a good parent. I have no idea what that means. What is a good parent? My parents both made mistakes, and I seem to still blame my behavior on the mistakes of my father. Will I pass on that sort of fucked up, penetrating self-pity to my daughter? Probably not. To my son? It scares me. I'm stronger than that. I'm just not strong.

Until next time, random blog postings. I'll see you in a few months. Hopefully, with more news of my child.